Why You Gotta Make It So Hard?

Today was fun. No real threat of super-mega dangerous severe weather, just the constant planning due to the constant fear of it. I felt rushed all day long, and ate nothing but a Zone Bar and a handful of almonds. Oh, yeah, and drank a Diet Coke. Doesn't that sound fun and nutritious to you? I am tired tonight, so I am cheating. Since I don't want to get caught lying to my readership, I am confessing to the crime of posting an older blog. I did make a few edits, and the message still rings true to the events of today (because they keep repeating themselves, over and over and over...And I am not convinced I want them to stop. I thrive on the drama). So please enjoy, with my apologies, and know that a new blog is on the horizon.

Originally blogged on 6/28/08

I woke up this morning, feeling good. Better than good, in fact. I just knew today was going to be the kind of day that makes me want to get up on subsequent days, awash in the glow of the promise of more days like today! Do you follow? Don't worry, I will lose you soon enough...See, it started something like this:

Isabella came and cuddled in the bed with me for 15 minutes, didn't whine one time, and told me all about her "scary" dreams she had last night. Although slightly less than half asleep, I lovingly shared my philosophy on dreams with her. (They aren't real, get over it). Then, I got out of bed, took a shower with a very impressive amount of water pressure (always a plus, as our shower is normally reminiscent of being pissed on by a giant), had a fabulous hair day, and put on clothes that have become too big for me (I am 12 pounds lighter my friends).

All good, right? Right!

In fact, I am still feeling good. Aside from the moment when my heart was ripped out of my chest, shown to me, then eaten...It has been a good day. It's a good thing that I am not prone to drama (no sir, not me), or I may still be hyperventilating. See, I don't like it when things are harder for me than they need to be. And doing this almost every day, well, it's not the Webster's definition of "easy". I am not sure how I came to this place to begin with...I lost the map many, many, months ago. Not that the directions that I am currently following mean anything to me...You said go left, but do you really mean left, or are you just saying that...should I really go right? Straight? North? South? WHAT?! I will go in whatever direction you want me to, you just have to tell me! I AM SO CONFUSED! Do you think I am pretty? Wait...What??

Oh, you're confused now too, my dear friend? I apologize. I get that this is hard to follow. That's okay. Maybe it can mean something different to you than it does to me. See, no matter what our circumstances in life, where we are or where we are going, there is always something that blocks you from being who you want to be, having what you want to have, or feeling complete. To this thing/person/place, we ask "why you gotta make it so hard?"...I don't know what event in my life led me to believe that everything should be easy. Maybe a series of childhood spoils or the thrills of young adulthood...Whatever the reason, I had become immune to the disease that is wanting. I have been so lucky, my friend, and I know this. I am grateful to this bit of fortune. Now, however, I find myself struggling with the wanting of something I can't just HAVE. I no likey. I no likey one bit.

If I beg, can I have it? If I make myself available to it, can I have it? If I write it on a piece of paper, fold it into an origami swan and eat it, can I have it?

I can make a really great origami swan...Wanna see?