Who Am I Kidding...

Generally speaking, I try to stay somewhat light and somewhat humorous when I blog. The following blog is neither light nor humorous. If slightly depressing chronicles of my life bring you down, then you may want to consider moving on to "It's Lovely, I'll Take it...A Collection of Poorly Chosen Photographs From Real Estate Listings", as available to the left in the "My Favorites Sites" section...Otherwise, don't say I didn't warn you. This is after all, my free therapy. I don't have time to worry about your issues.

So, today I got sick. Well, I should say I am starting to get sick, something that I dread. I am perfectly aware that nobody really likes to get sick, except maybe hypochondriacs and people with Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy (although what they really want is for other people to get sick). I dread getting sick for two main reasons: One, I still have to go to work. I hate calling out sick for work. When I am not at work I feel like I am missing out on something, plus, I know that when I am not there, they talk about me. They talk about me when I am there, but at least I get to hear it first hand. And two, when I am sick, nobody takes care of me. I am the chief caregiver in this house, and when I am down for the count, everything else just goes wildly out of control. Some of this is my doing, I understand. I am the ultimate micro-manager. I have set the standard...a bar that couldn't possibly be that high... that no one can do it (whatever it may be at the moment) as well or as efficiently as I can. Therefore, no one tries. Which leads me to tonight's point to ponder...At what point do people stop trying? Where is the proverbial line in the sand? I am certain that the threshold is different for everyone, but I am still puzzled by what makes a person simply give up, and just stop trying.

Oh, but who am I kidding? I think we all know that I gave up trying a long time ago. And I am pretty sure that the reasons not only escape me, but were not that puzzling to begin with. But why? Will I ever try again? Did I ever really try to begin with? Ahh!! Too many questions! Seriously though, I have never been one for doing anything that is too "hard". I procrastinate on things that I consider too difficult, or even too time consuming, until they become a burden. I coasted my way through a good percentage of my youth because I didn't feel like trying. I wonder what I could have accomplished with my life if I had actually put effort into anything I did when I was younger. My Mother often laments that I have wasted whatever misperceived skills and talents I may have had on my particular brand of laziness, or not-gonna-tryness. And, you know, it's true. I am a big fan of instant gratification. If I have to work intently at something to achieve it, there is a pretty good chance I wont really want it that bad. The things that come "easily" to me or require very little true work or thought are the measures I use to rate success and desire. I am only able to micro-manage my family because I have intimidated them all into thinking that I know what is best. Again, who am I kidding.

Is it really any wonder then, why I am where I am? This is indeed the Summer of my Discontent. And damn it, that is not what I want, but all of the effort that must be put out to be content is just too much. And if attempting to commit to contentment just makes you frustrated than please explain to me, "what's the point"? I think the point is medication, but I don't like that about as much as I don't like trying. However, because I am smart enough to realize all of this is psychotic, I am going to go out on a limb...and try...

Tomorrow is the first day, the tiny baby step, in the long walk that is trying. Effort. Maybe a sense of accomplishment...It will be in sharp contrast to the rattling around that I do in my giant "So-called Life" pinball machine, but I am thinking it will be worth it. Will I make it? We shall see, but I can't continue in the manner in which I have grown accustomed. It was never my plan to make those around me share in my discontent, but you know what they say about misery and company. So, I am committing to try. If you see me around, look for the difference...I wonder if you will see it? I wonder what it would even look like if your could see it. Maybe I will smile at you instead of looking at the ground, maybe I wont roll my eyes at anything that seems to require effort. Maybe I will just seem happy. Not that I am unhappy, per say, but if you know me, then you know what I mean. But that is all behind me now! I am finding the cure for my malaise! Starting tomorrow! Well, tomorrow really isn't a good day for me, I have some meetings in the morning, and I have to stay late at work...Later on this week is no good, I have some evening plans, and some things I need to help my Mom with. Maybe next week! Well, no...the girls start school next week, so next week is out...Hmmm

Oh, fuck it. I give up!