A Calculated Risk

An older blog, with some newness thrown in on the end. Sorry, I know I promised to limit the repeats. And this one is in sharp contrast to the previous night's entry. See, sometimes, when we are happy, it is important to remind ourselves of the reasons we weren't happy before. That way, we can stay the course. Plus, I am in kind of a bad mood...

Originally blogged 5/12/2008

Ah, catharsis. This blog is acting as such tonight. I hope that I do not bring you down, my maybe friend, but shit...I am sad. I have been sad for so long, I don't think I really feel "sad" anymore, more like - chronic melancholy. But for some reason, true, deep sadness had made it's way into my consciousness. The kind that only happens when you have been hurt so many times you are no longer numb. I read a clipping on a bulletin board once that said..."My soul is like a wooden fence. You can hammer nails into my fence and I will bear them all. But if you change your mind, and pull them out, the holes will always remain". How many holes until the fence falls down? Is that like how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop? (A little levity, forgive me). To my credit, I am a great fake. I can fool the world, and it's all good. And in the life I have created in my mind, it is all good. The future is filled with good things that push the hurt away, and those things don't seem so far out of reach. It is the future that I want for not only me, but for the Amazing A and Incredible I. I will ensure that they don't know this level of sadness...Unless of course, it is hereditary, then I will make sure to recommend a great shrink and help them choose the proper medication. It's the least I can do.

The addition: Blogged 8/31/2008

So, there is my depressing blog of the month...Well maybe I should say week, I can be a little dramatic. I know that it can be a little risky to place emotions in a public forum like this, where just anyone can see them, including the people/places/things you are actually blogging about. Some may say this is a calculated risk, because really, in your darkest of hearts, these are things you want people to know...You are just to afraid to tell them to their face. Sometimes, the risk pays you in dividends. Other times, it goes unnoticed, or hurts people unnecessarily. Hurting people is almost always unnecessary, but in truth-telling, there is always fallout. In some cases, it rains down upon you, clean and clear and it revitalizes your soul. In others, it carries the toxic, acrid scent of something that has died, long ago. Only the truth-teller can clean up whatever mess they leave behind. So you see, a calculated risk is one that I will take again tonight. I have taken them many times in the past, whether it's with this blog or my actions in my daily life. So far I have been lucky, and reaped the rewards of my risk-taking nature. Soon, though...Soon my luck will run out, and I will be forced to bear the brunt of the risk that I am taking now, and clean-up the mess that I will make. And it will not be pretty. But do not fear for me, for I am perfectly aware of the consequences of risk-taking. I will do my best to contain the collateral damage. I am strong and I am determined and I have held the hands of happiness...And I am not afraid. So don't you be.