Hip Hip Hooray! It's Hurricane Fay!

Oh goody. Now is the time in Sprockets when we get lashed by multiple hurricanes. Would you like to touch my monkey?



We got so lucky last year (by "we", I mean those of us here in Florida) and missed major tropical activity. This year looks to be a bit more rainy. Or to use my sister's least favorite word, moist. She hates that word. Therefore, I try to incorporate it into as many sentences as I can. For example, "the bugs are in here because it's moist outside", or "I can't go to bed with this moist hair, I will catch a cold", or my personal favorite, "I have pre-moistened this lollipop for you". I personally don't find moist to be an offensive word, unless we are using it to reference a condition of the below-the-belt anatomy. Then it's kinda yucky. I get that you can become moist "down there", I just don't really want to know about it. And that reminds me of a word that I do not like... smegma. We all know what that word means, and there is no need to talk about it. Ever. Well, now that I have given everyone the heebs, I suppose I should move on...

So, hurricanes. They aren't fun...Just talk to anyone who has ridden out a hurricane, regardless of the category. I have learned a few tips over the years that can make hurricane ride-out a bit less stressful. It should be noted that the following are not advised for anyone who is faced with the impact of a Category 2 or greater hurricane, is in a low lying or coastal area, lives in a trailer park or who's conditions do not lend themselves to "laughing about it later".
1. Buy beer early. It is inevitable that you will run out and you need to be prepared. In Florida, they place a moratorium on alcohol sales for 24 hours after a hurricane has passed. This is just to annoy us. Actually, I think this is to prevent chainsaw wielding drunkards from decapitating their neighbor while they were trying to get the tree off the Camero.
2. Do not attempt to cook a frozen pizza on a grill. It does not go well. The bottom will burn to a crisp, and the cheese topping will never quite melt to your satisfaction. It's yucky.
3. In the off-season, buy a generator. It doesn't have to be big and fancy. I can assure you, the only thing you will want to be able to power up once the power goes down is the refrigerator. I don't care how many cans of tuna you bought in order to be prepared for the power outages that are gonna occur...After 12 hours of eating tuna you will be praying for ANYTHING else to eat, spoiled or otherwise. Plus, after eating all that tuna, you and everyone else around you is gonna smell, well, like smegma.
4. Batteries. Buy lots and lots of batteries. Buy what might seem like at the time an inordinate amount of batteries. You will use them all, then later wonder, "where the hell are all those batteries I bought"? You will need to power any number of things for God knows how long. Oh, and the Energizer Bunny doesn't seem so freaking long-lasting when you have to power the kid's plastic camping lantern for 8 straight hours because their night-light isn't working...'cause there's NO POWER.
5. When the Power Company says that power will be restored in a few hours, do not listen. If you fall for their lies, the disappointment when the power does not come back on after said few hours will devastate you. It just isn't worth the heartache. Save the heartache for when your insurance company drops you, or you have to shell out $20,000 for a new roof.
6. Be prepared. In all seriousness, watch the news. Check out the NOAA web site for regular updates on the storm's projected path. If you have the time and the ability, and you are in that projected path, get the fuck out. Don't stay in a high risk area. Mother Nature is one unpredictable bitch, and she don't play. If you have to stay, because you are non-ambulatory, have no phone to call someone to get you the heck out, or are otherwise just plain stubborn, plan accordingly. Have lots of water, batteries, a storm radio, and an abundance of tuna. That way, when the rescuers are out looking for your ass, they can follow the scent of your nasty, stinky tuna breath. Then, for the rest of your life, we can call you smegma-face.

It will be fun!!