Close to Perfect

It is just so like me to quit.

Anytime I start to enjoy something, creatively at least, a point comes when people develop expectations of that creativity. Then, sadly, I lose all interest in doing said something. Isn't that pathetic? No, really...It's okay to say "yes", because I am fully aware of how pathetic it actually is. I have been blessed with some interesting creative skills...Dabble a little bit here, dabble a little bit there...But once anyone notices what I have done, expresses an interest in what I have done, or really freaking likes what I have done, I don't want to do it anymore. What is up with that? Suggestions and comments are welcome, cause I don't think I have a clue why this phenomenon occurs. What I do know is it has occurred time and time again. I'm not really proud of it, and I don't really like it, but it seems to be an infallible reality just the same. I worry my blog is succumbing to the same fate. It's a little disappointing.

I work my ass off to exceed people's expectations. So much so, that sometimes I get pedestalized, for better or for worse. In spite of this insatiable desire to be the best person/lover/mother/wife/worker/friend/etc that I can be to whomever is needing it, I feel like I need to prepare those individuals, immediately, for the fact that I will disappoint them. It has occurred to me recently, however, that everyone disappoints some one at some time. Hell, I am disappointed by something almost everyday...Actually, no, I take that back...There is a big difference in being "disappointed" and being bummed-out or let down. I may get bummed-out by something everyday, but that can be as minuscule as chipping one of my black lacquered fingernails. Saying you are disappointed, on the other hand, is just so final. So grave. Usually quite unnecessary, really. I mean, think about the last time someone told you they were "disappointed" in you...It really hurt, didn't it? Made you feel a bit like a failure, right? Even if the expectations were never made clear to you from the beginning...So how can we justify being disappointed if we never articulated exactly what was expected? When did it become okay to anticipate the expectations of others and strive for over achievement of something that may, or may not, even exist....

It would be so much easier if the expectations people have of me could be put into a neat little list. Then I would know just what to strive for. Instead, I overeach...overextend...then find myself over my head. It's just what I do. I understand that this list will never materialize, yet I will never stop trying, trying, trying to make all the people in my life as pleased with me as they can be.

But still I wonder what would be on your list. What is it that I can do to keep you from ever being disappointed in me? Is that even realistic? No, it's not. To be fair, you have never made your expectations clear, and maybe it's because you don't really have any. Maybe that's just what you do. If you never place your expectations of others into the ether, maybe you will never have to say they have disappointed you...It's not a bad approach. But for me, it will never do. In my constant struggle to be perfect (a struggle that I will never win) I require expectations. They help me to know how close I am coming to my impossible goal of perfection. And when I fail, and invariably disappoint you, I can curl up in the dark little corners of what's left of my heart and listen to the voice that repeats, "I told you so, I told you so, I told you so". And although I really hate that little voice, her expectations are clear. Fail. And I will. And somehow, that makes me feel like I have gotten ever closer to my goal. It's Perfect.