Why? Well, because...

I have given up who I am to be someone I am not for someone else.

Why?

Well, because...I guess...

That's about the best answer I have for anything anymore. Amelia asks me why she can't jump on the couch, "because", I say. Isabella wants to know why she isn't allowed to swallow the toothpaste, "because", I tell her. There was a time I used to give them these absurdly complex answers...You can't jump on the couch, there is a chance you could fall and land on your head and have a spinal cord injury, then end up without the use of your legs. Or, you can't swallow the toothpaste, it has ingredients in it that although do a fine job cleaning your teeth, but they aren't made for consumption and can give you oily stools, potentially leading to hemorrhoids...I think you catch my drift. At some point, recently, I have just given up on the detailed answers. It's possible I might be too tired. It's possible I just don't know the answers. It's more likely that I have forgotten who I am, and thusly, cannot come up with the witty responses quickly enough.

I feel dull. Like a Ginsu knife bought off an infomercial 20 years ago, used, then never really sharpened (it was a piece of shit knife, anyway). I feel unabrasive. Quite frankly, I like being a little abrasive. I liked my serrated edge! WHAT HAS HAPPENED!

Life has happened.

But you know, my life is good. There are people in my life that make me feel very good. My children, for example. YOU, for example (yes, you...stop looking around, I am talking about you. What, are you surprised?) But something about my life has worn me down. Maybe it all goes back to not getting what I want, when I want it. But I learned a very valuable lesson this week...I think Mick Jagger put it best when he sang;

"You can't always get what you want.
No, you can't always get what you want.
You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need..."

So, thank you. Thank you for not necessarily giving me exactly what I wanted, but for giving me just what I needed. Maybe if I can get a little bit more of that, I just might get my edge back, too.

And just as quickly as life happened, life has also changed. And it is good.