Ahh! Make it Stop!!

My oldest daughter Amelia, has been talking nonstop since she got home from camp. I am not exaggerating in any way, shape or form. Nonstop. For those of you who are thinking that she comes by it naturally, it must be genetic, or the apple doth not fall far from the tree...Fuck you. Seriously, my head is about to explode, and I am in no mood your brand of snarky humor (although, normally, I love it...you are really quite clever).

This is what I have endured since she got home, verbatim:

(Deep breath)MOM! todayatcampwecaughtafishandthefishhadswallewedthehookwholeanditwasbleedingandthen
wethrewthefishbacksoitcouldlivecauselivingissomuchcoolerthandying
BUTTERSNOohcanwewatchspiderwickchroniclesdidyouknowthatwegotityesterdayatTargetanddidyouknowthats
pritesarentreallbutwouldntitbecooliftheywereSCORE!IscoredtodayinbasketballdidyouknowthatIcanmakeabasket
inthelowerbasketbutIdontliketoplaydodgeballandZoeisbackincampthinsyearanddidyouknowthatsheisntatthe
schoolanymorejustthecampisthatbecauseherparentscantaffordtheschoolbutMollyanOliviaarentincamprightnow
doyouthinkthattheywillbeincampsoonwhatdoyouthinktheyaredoing
BUTTERSSTOPITBUTTERSdoyouwanttomakeacupofloveshouldwemakelotsofheartsherearemygreenschool
scissorsdidyouknowthesearemyschoolscissors
lookattheflywheredidtheflycomefromsomeoneshouldkillhimsohedoesntpooponourfood
STOPBUTTERSBUTTERSSTOPletswatchspongebobohmygodIwannaseespacechimpswhendoyouthinkwecan
gosespacechimpsdidyouseetheendofspiderwichchronicleswhentheogreturnedintoabirdandwaseaten
whatisthisscrewdriverforanywaydoesitgointosomebodiesbuttIthinkthatwouldbedangerous
ohmygodthisspaghettiissogoodIlikeitwhenitshomemadedidyouknowsomepeoplecantfeeltheirlipscanyoufeel
yourlipswhatdotheyfeellike...

Oh.My.God. I love her, I really do, but she is exhausting. Even the pediatrician once asked me if I would like a sample of Ritalin for her. I think he was kidding. Think.

So at my "fun" doctors appointment today (read "gynocologist"), my OB/GYN's Nurse Practitioner asked if I wanted to try the birth control patch, since I had stopped taking the pill about 6 months ago. (Long story, not interesting). I nearly hugged her. YES!!! PLEASE HELP ME PREVENT ANY FURTHER CHILDBEARING!! I am not mentally stable enough to continue reproducing. Seriously. I love my children, yet interestingly, don't love children in general. Nope, not so much. They are messy, snotty, rude, have unkempt hair and are annoying. Having children in your life everyday breaks down like this: 23 hours of total hell, 1 hour (usually not all at one time, mind you) of something even better than heaven. That 1 hour makes the other 23 completely fade away. That's how parents are able to get up everyday, in anticipation of that one hour. I often worry that I am not a good enough Mother. I wish I was more patient and I wish I never yelled. I wish that I could remember to pack Amelia's goggles for Summer Camp everyday, and I wish I knew where her fishing pole was. Despite all of my faults, many they may be, my girls tell me they love me everyday. They want to hug me and kiss me and be near me. It's really quite remarkable that they have not figured out how fucked up I really am. They are both miracles, arriving when I have needed miracles most.

So, I raise my glass to all of you who are parents, soon-to-be parents, or maybe someday parents. It is a challenging job. It will change your life forever. You get out of it incrementally what you put in to it. I would venture to say that liking children will go a long way to ensuring your success...although so far, it hasn't been a requirement for me.


Editor's Note: When I write my blogs, I take some liberties in order to provide you, my dear friend, with a little bit of humor. I don't hate children. When I was in my early 20's, I never planned on having kids. I wanted to work for the CIA and it didn't fit into the picture. I never had a "must have kids NOW" phase. Both of my daughters were planned pregnancies, eagerly anticipated and enthusiastically brought into this world (although heavily drugged). I even met a co-workers child the other day, and she was delightful...

Children are wonderful blessings, but they take every last bit of air out of a room. They give a lot back, but you never quite seem able to catch your breath. That never ends...Just ask my Mom.