Whew. I have reached levels of disappointment that are beyond description. I have spent the last week disappointing myself, disappointing my spouse, and now, finally...disappointing my children. See, tonight is the night that my soon-to-be ex-husband and I decided to tell our beautiful, innocent babies that we were getting divorced. It was, without a doubt, a grand disappointment.
My oldest daughter was overwhelmed. She cried and begged us to stay married forever. She wanted to know if we were leaving her. She wanted to know where she was going to live. She wanted to know if we (my husband and I) would be alone forever or if we would find someone else. She had so many "adult" questions, it overwhelmed me...She is only 6 years old...It was just so disappointing for her. It broke my heart. My husband sat next to her, holding her hand, tears streaming down his face, trying to comfort her...when he needed to be comforted too. When his turn came to talk to her, he did an amazing job. He pulled himself together and explained things just as he needed to...It was more painful for me than anything we have gone through this far. I wanted to stand up on the couch and scream..."WHY! Why couldn't you have cared this much when it still mattered to me! Why couldn't you have been this involved in the emotional well being of your children all along"! Of course, I didn't. I sat on the couch and cried. I haven't stopped since.
My youngest daughter was underwhelmed, to say the least. And that was a blessing. She ran around, with scissors in hand (I am for real people...yeah, judge me. I don't care. Do it now while I am still to exhausted to kick your ass), and tried to eat a candle. She was fully unaffected by the conversation that was going on. But periodically she would come up to her Daddy and say, "Daddy, please don't go"...She too is disappointed. Her disappointment may manifest itself through symptoms of pica, but there is disappointment there just the same. She is only 3...I hope that she doesn't remember this painfully disappointing night 3 years down the line.
So...here I sit. Glass of wine in hand...blogging. Some people may think that's callous or even strange. But it's more obligatory catharsis. The girls are sleeping...exhausted from all of the disappointment that has been heaped upon them over the past few days, and I am just numb. Sometimes blogging allows me to get out all of the emotions that I keep bottled up inside in a way that makes me feel better, and sometimes amuses others. But now, I feel like I am telling a story that doesn't even belong to me. My heart feels empty. I don't really have any great emotional stories to share. I feel like I have been in a bloodletting, and all life in me has poured out onto the earth...absorbed and then gone. But yet, I feel compelled to write this blog and send all of these thoughts into the blogosphere...Because the part of me that takes my raw emotions and turns them into something creative and unique is dying. I am slowly starting to shut down and I am helpless to stop it. I have been trying to keep the people who love me close to me, but my heart is fighting that attempt, and I want to push all these people away. If I can just shut down and feel nothing, I can get through all of the disappointment...I wont have to feel it...and I can put all of my focus on helping those who are going to suffer the most...My girls.
So if I don't smile...Forgive me. If I don't want to talk to you...Forgive me. If I seem to lose some interest in the very things that used to bring me some measure of happiness...Forgive me. I know that I will disappoint you too. I am sure that I already have in some way or another over the years, so it is likely that you are used to it. Soon, I will not be myself anymore. I have already changed...There was once a girl who would do anything for a man that she met, until she had more disappointment than she could stand, and she began to shut down...and she began to change into someone that turned the disappointment table...But heaping disappointment on others doesn't make you feel better. In fact, it is as bad - or worse, than feeling the disappointment yourself. So I choose to feel nothing. In nothingness there wont be any disappointment. None to be delivered or received. So if I can't look you in the eye when we meet...forgive me. I am trying to spare you from disappointment. Because my tired, empty eyes will give it all away...That I have been friends with disappointment for years, and although she has been a hard friend to have hanging around all the time, she has always been there...Even though I have been a faithful companion, she is always looking for new people to be fast friends with. And I don't want it to be you.
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3 comments:
I love you and will be praying for you.
Good girl. Your writing is so good when is seared by your emotions. I know it hurts like hell and doesn't feel any better when you're done, but it has to help. You brought tears to my eyes thinking about A sitting there in her disappointment you described so well. But remember that every child ends up disappointed. They have to, it's part of the ushering in of adulthood. If it's not a collosal disappointment like divorce it's a series of little ones. It's not your fault. Well, it is, but it's simply inevitable. I know you hurt for her, but that's your job. Just today Max asked me about "the people that hate our country"-what do they look like" he wondered. I told him he didn't need to worry about it, that he should focus on what he wanted for Christmas. I was so shocked that he would think about such adult things, and at the same time I felt guilty that I had somehow let him be exposed to such a troubling idea that obviously worried him. But it's inevitable that he will worry, and how long can I really sequester him from disappointment? Hell, he was disappointed when he woke up Wednesday morning and found out Obama won. The point is, I think its less about disappointing your children, and more about how you teach them to handle the disappointment. This is your chance to teach A how to handle all the disappointments that will come her way--collosal and small. Because, as you know, come they will. But if I've learned one thing its that life is full of disappointments, but how you accept it, process it, and file it away matters much. I've had a lifetime of disappointments, some really bad shit that would drive a lot of people into a lifetime of therapy. Trust me, I could get some really good RXs. But to me that would be dulling the experience. I never expected it to perfect, and overall I still think I'm pretty darn lucky. Hell, I could have been born in Afghanistan with all those people that hate our country and have to wear burkas. So, in the big picture is it insurmountable? Not unless you teach her to settle for disappointment. You have to teach her to accept disappointment as a normal diversion, a momentary respite from an otherwise happy existence. Not a bad lesson for you either, my friend. Now go find your happy place...and keep writing.
I am so sorry. I know I am a complete stranger, and you might be thinking "who the fuck is this person to try and give me advice?" I am younger than you, also, so you can use that against me, too :p. But I was a child during my parents' hugely messy divorce, and from that experience I have learned a few things (though you may already know them well, so, sorry for any tedium):
1) Do not bad-mouth your ex in front of them, or tell them they are "just like your father" if they do something negative that is one of his characteristics
2) Do not majorly focus on making yourself happy. You may think that this, in the end, will only benefit your children, but it usually doesn't involve them and because of that it can lead to a feeling of alienation on their side. My mother became so focused on trying to make herself happy after her divorce that she eventually ended up regarding her children as an impediment to that goal (which involved being in a new relationship and going out all the time) and I felt completely resented by her every time I needed her for anything, because it seemed like to her it was "work" and wasn't contributing to her new, happy life. Don't smother your children, but please please please put them first. I think you already do, and will continue to, and from my experience and perspective it is the most important thing.
I wish everyone involved in this situation all the best. Really.
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