Due Time Can Kiss My Ass.

I have been told that it all gets better. I have heard that in "due time" things will change for me and I will be happy. I struggle with the vagueness of that. Point to a date on a calendar and tell me, "here, Kate...On this date you will be okay", then at least I have something concrete to focus on. And yeah, I know that you can't do that...But "due time"? Really? Can't we come up with something more reassuring than that? Maybe that is the biggest part of my problem...Maybe I am still hanging my happiness on some time frame that never had anything to do with me in the first place. I am overdue for my time.

Right?

Maybe "due time" is not an abstraction. Maybe it's not said to make me feel like I have no control over what is happening in my life. Maybe it's said to help me understand that, at some point, things will get better. Things will go my way. Things will change for me, and I will be happy. Perhaps it is meant to give me some semblance of control in an otherwise wildly careening existance. I'm just not so sure about that....

I worry that by putting things in terms of "due time", no real time ever has to be established. Somethings need to have parameters. Or, do they? I was told recently by a very, very kind and generous friend, that no one will ever be able to set timeframes for my life but ME. It will take whatever time it takes for me to pick up my mess, pack it away, and move on & out. Is it too soon for me to be ready to see that happen? Is it okay for me to say that the time is now? It seems like such a long time since I have had that kind of control...And I am not prepared to relenquish the newfound control that I wield. So, I say to those people that offer me "due time"...Due time can kiss my ass. Come up with something better. I think I deserve something better. Unless there is a 2009 calendar out there with "Due Time" day boldy circled in red, I just don't want to hear about it anymore.

But let me add a caveat: Just because I don't want to hear you tell me that in "due time" all my dreams will come true, doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the effort. I know that you care. And I am feeling reasonibly certain that, yes, in due time all of my dreams will come true. The thing I don't like is feeling that I am, once again, not in control. That I have to sit and wait...sit and wait...sit and wait for my due time to come. And I find myself reminded of my very, very kind and generous friend and her nuggets of wisdom. She told me that "people come into your life for a reason, and maybe we were brought together for a reason, that I might be an example of someone who went through a painful time and came out stronger because of it. And if you need me, I will always have time for you". Not due time. Just time. And I think that's all I have ever wanted...