Censorship Smensorship

Why do we not say the things we really want to say? I am actually quite well known for saying whatever the Hell is on my mind, but sometimes I find that I am stifled by some secret internal censor. Where did it come from, and why? I get that it's inappropriate to say certain things, that sometimes it's just plain rude to say others...That's not necessarily always gonna stop me, but I still get it. I remember a time, a long time ago, in what seems now like another life, when I was standing on the porch of a house I had never been to. I was going to a party with my husband, some friends of his, when he stopped me before I could ring the doorbell. He took me by the hand, looked deep into my eyes, and said, "Kate, promise me...Promise me that you will take 10 seconds and think about what it is you are going to say BEFORE you say it. Okay?" At the time, I thought it was funny. Maybe even a little cute. But as the evening progressed, all I could think was, "wait a minute...Am I really that bad?" And sadly, I think the answer (at the time) was yes. Yes, my dear, you are gleaming the event horizon of obnoxious...If you don't stop being you, people will not like you.

So. Where does that leave me now, 8 years later? I think I am still a little bit on the bright, gleaming edge of obnoxious, but I have learned a thing or two about how far I can go, and just how much people are willing to tolerate. Sage bit of advice here: No matter how close you are with your Boss, do not tell him to go fuck himself. Even if it's said with love. I am finding, however, that my internal censor has recently realized it's calling, and has begun the arduous task of preventing me from saying even the most seemingly innocuous of things. Things that aren't offensive, crass or just completely needless. This censor is taking his job far to seriously, and preventing me from saying the things that I need to say in order to remain me. I would like to tell the censor to go fuck himself, but I am finding that to be difficult! So here is a Top Ten List of the things I would say, if I could. But remember, I can't...So these don't really count.

10. Drop Dead
9. Go Fuck Yourself
8. I am so glad that I can make you feel better about yourself. Maybe I should go fuck myself, then!
7. Hey, I have a great idea! Get off your ass and help me!
6. I really think it's wonderful that I can make your life easier. That really is my purpose for existing, after all.
5. Is it possible that you could shut-up?
4. You are a selfish asshole, and I really think you should know.
3. I am so sorry that my life is in conflict with your needs. Please let me know how I can change to accomdate you.
2. Choose now.
1. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore.

I think that If I practiced in the mirror long enough, some of these might actually make their way off of my lips, and fall into the public arena...I doubt it though. There was a time when I actually got a little bit of a rise from saying things that I knew would offend or hurt someone. Those days are long since past. I no longer think it's cute to be cruel or completely hard-core snotty. I can still be plenty snotty, it's part of my genetic make-up, but it's no longer intended to be hurtful. And for that, I am grateful. I don't want to be the girl that says mean things. I would like to be the girls that speaks her mind, yes, but not at the expense of others. Tempering that with censoring myself to the point of my own expense seems to be the real challenge. But to that, I say the following: I really think it's wonderful that I can make your life easier. That really is my purpose for existing, after all, and I am so sorry that my life is in conflict with your needs. Please let me know how I can change to accommodate you. I am so glad that I can make you feel better about yourself, and I think maybe I should go fuck myself. But I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore...You are a selfish asshole, and I really think you should know. Is it possible that you could shut-up, or hey! I have a great idea, you can get off your ass and help me. So choose now: Drop dead or go fuck yourself.

God, I feel better. Censorship Smensorship