It Matters to Me

I find myself regularly torn between two lovers. The lover that wants to do what I want to do, and the lover that wants me to do what he/she/it wants to do. I often find myself highly motivated to follow the lead of the latter lover, and do what he/she/it wants me to do. Maybe it will be fun, maybe it will be exciting, maybe I will feel free. However, more often than not, I settle for the lover that just wants to do what I want to do...Sit on the couch. NOT work out. Eat ice cream. I think that this lover is good to me...Tonight, I wonder, maybe not so much?

When I was younger (read, college), I used to feel a little - let's just say depressed - when I was alone. I craved the company of another. Could be a friend, a lover, an instantly discovered and just as easily lost soul mate, it could be anyone. I just needed the company. I didn't really care about what I wanted to do. I wanted the lover that could promise me good times, good drinks, good friends, even if followed by hazy memories and less than good digestive results. Somewhere along the way that changed. On the road to adulthood I took a side street to hermit-ville and decided to stay. Once I arrived in this new found place, I lost the desire to take a lover who wanted me to "party like a rock star"...The lover who was proud of us if we came home as the garbage men picked up our trash...The lover who probably didn't really care about me, but cared that I was fun. I just wanted to be alone. I still took the ex-lover's calls, still listened as he/she/it romanced the potential night that awaited us, but would always find a reason to say no. And so I sat alone. Until I met my other lover. This one promised me solace, quiet, unrecognizable depression. And I fell deeply in love. To me, the promise of nothing was better then the promise of it all.

As I grew older (read, now), I began to realize that my new, albeit long term, lover didn't really have my best interests at heart. I wasn't so sure that sitting on the couch, watching SoapNet, playing on the computer, drinking one glass of wine after another, was really what I needed, after all. Maybe I needed a lover who could give me both...Not only what I need, but helps me to see what others around me need from me...And is there really such a lover? I think that there is not. And really, that's okay. Because more than anything, I need to learn that I do not need to take a lover to know who I am. I need to learn that I am the only one who should say, "Get up, girl. Go get your piece of life". Because I want to be that girl. I want to get up and get my piece of life. I want to not only do the things that matter to me, but the things that matter to you. Isn't that what makes me my very best me? When I can and will do both? Cause, honey...It does matter to me. The things that are important to you, can also be important to me. And the things that are important to me can be important to only me. That's okay too.

To all my former lovers...Well, I have finally put you all to bed. I have found the "beds in boat world". I finally realize that it's okay. It's okay that it matters to me.