Still Missing You...

Sheesh. If you had asked me, say, two years ago (give or take) if I was capable of "missing" someone, I'm not sure how I might have replied. Sure, I missed my children if I travelled away from them, but not really. I seldom left my children behind in my travels, and when I did, it was because I desperately needed the break. A break from the whining, the crying, the exhaustion that comes with being a Mommy...I finally had someone validate this for me...And I must say, I had been waiting--so very long--to exhale. A friend, that I have had since high school, confessed to me that parenting was hard for her. I was floored. She was then, and quite frankly, still is, perfect. Perfect in a real way. A successful career. An amazing spouse. Beautiful children. A great nose. Christian, and proud...Ever trying to lead me away from the "dark side"...Just perfect. But hearing this "perfect" woman talk about her struggles with parenting, infanthood, toddler years, and then some...Made me feel real. It made me feel closer to perfect (and if you really know me, you know that is my ultimate goal). And it made me miss my children. See, I am out of town this week. My beautiful heathen spawn are with their Daddy (my ex-husband, in case you needed a refresher). They aren't entirely thrilled with the arrangement, but they are resilient beings, and are rolling with it just the same. And, oh...How I miss them. I even had a stranger give me a dollar so I could have my picture taken with Elmo tonight(Look for this post later this week when I get a chance to upload). I miss them in a way that I am unfamiliar with. The last time that I left them for more than a day my parents were with them. Prior to that, I was still married, and didn't feel as "off-put" over the whole thing. Odd really. There was a time, pre-Zoloft, that I couldn't get away from my family quickly enough. Now, all I want to do is be a better contributor to my family, even as that dynamic changes...And no, I'm not taking my vitamin Z anymore, thanks for wondering...

But what does this have to do with "still missing you"...Obviously, missing my children isn't new to me. I'm not a monster. I love and cherish my babies, I'm just not that kinda Mommy...You know, the one that can't seperate who she is from who her children are. I have no problem with that. But I miss now in increasingly different ways. Back in "the day", I viewed travel as my escape...Escape from the toxic environment that was developing in my home. Now, travel is taking me away from something I have grown quite dependant on. My spot. I miss my spot. I miss what my spot represents. I miss the way I fit in my spot. My spot is more than just the crook of an arm, the feeling of warm skin, the smell of a man that I love more than I can express...It's my spot. It's all I have ever wanted. It's the family that I am rebuilding. Yeah, so maybe the players have changed somewhat, but the goal never does...And that ultimate goal is Happiness. For my children, for me, for the people in my life that are non-negotiable...And I miss my spot, and all that it represents. And I miss the man that gave this all to me. You may shake your little head all you want, and declare to your empty room that "no man/woman can make or break your happiness, it's all in you". But you, me and your empty space all know that's bullshit. A single person can change your life. Maybe it's a child, maybe it's two (as it was for me), maybe it's the introduction of an outsider who becomes an insider, and shows you just what it means to be a family...And so, I am really missing my family right now. My girls, my man, my dog and the guinea pig and the African frogs and the cat...

I can look at the pictures, I can talk on the phone. I can text, I can Facebook, I can Tweet and I can blog. But I am still missing you. And I am certain that I always will. When I am not in my spot, I am still missing you.