I haven't blogged in such a long time. There are so many reasons. Some I can't even really blog about, and I hate that...Blogging, for me, has been about providing me with an outlet for disclosure. Of course, a good 98% of my blog readers don't really know what a good 98% of my blogs are actually about. And that's okay...they don't need to. It would be too much for people to process, I think. But recently, I haven't had the time, or the inclination to blog. However, I had an experience the other day that I feel compelled to share. Something happened to me that has happened to everyone in one way or another. So many people have said to me, when one door closes, a window opens...I used to think this was pretty much total crap, but am feeling it's true, now more strongly than I ever thought possible. You see, this week I walked out of the home I shared with my ex-husband for almost 10 years, for the very last time.

I have known for over a month that I would be moving out. My ex-husband moved out on November 1st. I stayed, wanting to keep the girls in the only home they have ever known. I wasn't happy there and I was ready to move on...But there is so much to moving. So much packing, so much trashing, so much everything. Putting it off seemed easier. Then, the time came. With a LOT of help, I was out of the house in just two days. The girls were happy, the pets were happy and I was happy. Kinda.

I didn't feel alone in the old house. Everything I have ever known as an adult was all around me. Now, well...Now I am surrounded by emptiness. There are no pictures on the walls, so memories made...And yes, of course I know these things will happen, the pictures will appear and the memories will be created. But as I sit here, alone, while my children are spending a few days with their Daddy, I feel cold.

If you know me, you know that I can be impatient. I want things to happen when I want them to happen. I want things done on my time frame, my schedule. I don't need you to tell me that's unrealistic...In my life, it hasn't always been such an unrealistic expectation. Maybe that is why I always find myself in this place, where I am cold and alone. Because I want what I want when I want it. And when I don't get it, I shut down, push away and move on. Am am tetering on the brink of this shut down. I don't like to feel alone, and I don't like to be cold. Yet here I am...Feeling very much by myself and very chilly. But like all of the things that have happened over the course of the past three months, I will make it though this, too. I have to learn that my time frames don't always gel with the cosmos, and there really isn't a damn thing I can do to change that. So, I will grab my blanket, read my blog to my sister (cause she can't work a computer - yeah, she's 34...there is no excuse), and I won't feel so alone. And maybe one day I will open up the Pandora's Box that contains all of the mysteries and secrets that are hidden between the lines of this blog. And I will never have to feel alone again, because the whole world will know me. I think I will like that.

So before I shut down my computer for the night, I want to say "goodbye" to my old house. Goodbye to the life that was created there. Goodbye to the sadness that permeated the drywall and most certainly goodbye to the rancid stench of dog pee that seemed to be lingereing in the air. I definitely wont miss that.