Signed, Sealed, Delivered. I'm Not Yours.

Today I got a phone call at work. I get a lot of phone calls at work. So many, in fact, that if I see on my caller ID window that it is from an outside line, and not coming from somewhere inside the store, I will often let it go to voicemail. Today, however, I answered the phone. It was Sharon, my lovely, if somewhat grammatically inarticulate, paralegal. She had called to tell me that my final "Marital Settlement Agreement" had been signed off on by the Judge. I was officially divorced. I could hear papers rustling in the background, as she informed my that my formal copy was going into the mail at that very moment. I started to cry...And suddenly I stopped. My heart started to speed up its rhythm, and I smiled. It was a fleeting moment, but in that moment, I felt every emotion that I have felt during the 10 years spent with my now ex-husband. I felt nervousness, sadness, anxiety...then joy, elation, and finally, peace.

Several months back, when I knew for certain that this day was coming, I debated whether or not I would blog about this actual day. Whether or not it was in good taste. What would people think...Then it occurred to me, nobody is forced to read this blog. It is my free therapy. Mine and mine alone. Yes, I am pleased that people have enjoyed reading this blog, and I am pleased that people have been able to use my voice to find their own, when they have felt muted. So I have decided, tonight, to write. And for the first time, in a long time, I don't have much to say. But I do know that it is important to chronicle this day. So years from now, when this is all a monochromatic memory, I can be reminded of just how real, and how painful this has all been. Not because I am a masochist, but because I believe the memory of pain can help to make you stronger, to help you heal, and to make you whole. I am on my way to healing, but I have a long way to go. I am happy with the direction my life is taking. More than happy, in fact. But I know that I am not whole yet...I am still broken, and searching for all the missing pieces. Some I will never find. Some pieces of me I gave away 10 years ago and I don't want them back. I know he probably doesn't want them either, but they will always and forever be his. I have taken everything else that has mattered away from him, I don't have to snatch these shards of me, too. And he may try to throw them away, but I know that they will always be embedded in his brain in the form of memories; a song, a smell, a shadow...And I know this because those same slivers of someone else's life will live within me, too. And for me, that's okay.

My new life is beginning. It is rising up like a phoenix from the ashes of my past. There was a time, before I set fire to my life, when I would wake up everyday and felt like I was just waiting for the day to pass so I could go back to bed...And that's just sad. But those days are gone. Now I will wake up, each day, grateful for whatever goodness is in store for me. I may not know what it will be from one day to the next, but I know that it will be there in some form. And that, my friends, is a very good thing. A very good thing indeed. So...As I stated previously, I don't have much to say. So I guess I will just say "good night". Tomorrow is a new day, and the first day of my new life. I should try to get a good nights sleep.