Wednesday, June 10, 2009

When It All Comes Together

So. Here we are. A long time has passed since I have spent any time with you, and for that, I am sorry. I have had many months of trials, many months of stresses, and many months of the very scenarios that would have once sent me running to my computer, burning to turn out the next great literary masterpiece via blogger...And yet, here we are. Nothing for months, and here I am, expecting you to take me back. But as I have dutifully pointed out to you before, disappointment is my shadow, and it follows me everywhere, inflicting it's wrath upon all those who should fall under it's cast...So you should have been prepared for this from the beginning.

While I have been away from you, I have learned a few things. I have also forgotten a few things, and even remembered a few things that I didn't know I knew. That last one is always exciting...But I digress. Primarily, I have learned that sometimes, even in the very face of adversity, things can go well. What the bulk of my random readers don't know, is that through all of the drama, trauma, and overall chaos of last year, I had a great deal of emotional help (well, let's just call it what it is, shall we...it's love). And it was that love that kept everything together, even when I was the one trying to tear it all apart. It was that love that showed me how real love can be when it is done right, that real love doesn't involve angry words or disdainful looks or cold shoulders...In fact, it is all quite the opposite. Things in my life began to change completely...I felt better about myself. I treated those around me with more kindness, more generosity. I played more with my children and spoke to them more lovingly. I involved myself more in the lives of my friends, took the time to let them know that I am still here for them in spite of what is going on with me. I began to become the woman I had always wanted to be...And although it seems so very, very trite...All it took was the right kind of love. And when it all comes together like that, it's amazing.

And thus, I have become the kind of woman that people want to hit. I am so full of this incredible love that I am on regular bliss-overload. When I talk about the source of my love, I ooze like so much puss from an infected wound. When asked about the source of my love, I can prattle on for hours like an escapee from Pendleton Asylum. It's nauseating, I know. And I love it. I had a conversation with my Mom a while back, and she expressed concern for my overall well being. It is a Mother's job to do this on a regular basis, I understand, but I still find it annoying...I know that one day, I will do it to my children too. During that conversation I revealed something to her that I had not verbalized to anyone (other than my beloved, and I think that was in e-mail form) was this: I have been fortunate enough to experience the kind of love that overwhelms a heart. It's so much for the poor heart muscle, that it expands to the lungs, to the nerves, to the brain...It fills you up. It fills you up in a way that is almost uncomfortable. And not uncomfortable in a painful sense, but uncomfortable in the sense that you are experiencing something you have never experienced before...And it's amazing. But this wasn't what put my Mom at ease...it was what I said next. I explained to her that the love that I have been given, and the love that I have returned, was so remarkable, that if it were taken from me tomorrow, I would be okay. I would be okay because I was able to just have the love at all. Because for me, it was the realization that this was what love was supposed to be, and it was mine...and everything else came together. And now, all the pieces of the puzzle have been laid into place, and some cosmic force came by and sprayed the puzzle with that crazy spray glue shit, and now it's a fixed piece. The same could be said for my heart. It is a fixed piece. It has all come together and I am whole. And although I never, ever want to lose this love, should it disappear, I will never feel like a loser. I won a long time ago, and the glue that holds this heart together is the strongest I have ever known.

So. Here we are. I hope that you still aren't upset with me for having neglected you for so long. I will strive to find new and exciting things to blog about very, very soon. In fact, I have a great topic for me next post! Let me tell you about this man I know...(Oozing begins)

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