Why do we not say the things we really want to say? I am actually quite well known for saying whatever the Hell is on my mind, but sometimes I find that I am stifled by some secret internal censor. Where did it come from, and why? I get that it's inappropriate to say certain things, that sometimes it's just plain rude to say others...That's not necessarily always gonna stop me, but I still get it. I remember a time, a long time ago, in what seems now like another life, when I was standing on the porch of a house I had never been to. I was going to a party with my husband, some friends of his, when he stopped me before I could ring the doorbell. He took me by the hand, looked deep into my eyes, and said, "Kate, promise me...Promise me that you will take 10 seconds and think about what it is you are going to say BEFORE you say it. Okay?" At the time, I thought it was funny. Maybe even a little cute. But as the evening progressed, all I could think was, "wait a minute...Am I really that bad?" And sadly, I think the answer (at the time) was yes. Yes, my dear, you are gleaming the event horizon of obnoxious...If you don't stop being you, people will not like you.
So. Where does that leave me now, 8 years later? I think I am still a little bit on the bright, gleaming edge of obnoxious, but I have learned a thing or two about how far I can go, and just how much people are willing to tolerate. Sage bit of advice here: No matter how close you are with your Boss, do not tell him to go fuck himself. Even if it's said with love. I am finding, however, that my internal censor has recently realized it's calling, and has begun the arduous task of preventing me from saying even the most seemingly innocuous of things. Things that aren't offensive, crass or just completely needless. This censor is taking his job far to seriously, and preventing me from saying the things that I need to say in order to remain me. I would like to tell the censor to go fuck himself, but I am finding that to be difficult! So here is a Top Ten List of the things I would say, if I could. But remember, I can't...So these don't really count.
10. Drop Dead
9. Go Fuck Yourself
8. I am so glad that I can make you feel better about yourself. Maybe I should go fuck myself, then!
7. Hey, I have a great idea! Get off your ass and help me!
6. I really think it's wonderful that I can make your life easier. That really is my purpose for existing, after all.
5. Is it possible that you could shut-up?
4. You are a selfish asshole, and I really think you should know.
3. I am so sorry that my life is in conflict with your needs. Please let me know how I can change to accomdate you.
2. Choose now.
1. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore.
I think that If I practiced in the mirror long enough, some of these might actually make their way off of my lips, and fall into the public arena...I doubt it though. There was a time when I actually got a little bit of a rise from saying things that I knew would offend or hurt someone. Those days are long since past. I no longer think it's cute to be cruel or completely hard-core snotty. I can still be plenty snotty, it's part of my genetic make-up, but it's no longer intended to be hurtful. And for that, I am grateful. I don't want to be the girl that says mean things. I would like to be the girls that speaks her mind, yes, but not at the expense of others. Tempering that with censoring myself to the point of my own expense seems to be the real challenge. But to that, I say the following: I really think it's wonderful that I can make your life easier. That really is my purpose for existing, after all, and I am so sorry that my life is in conflict with your needs. Please let me know how I can change to accommodate you. I am so glad that I can make you feel better about yourself, and I think maybe I should go fuck myself. But I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore...You are a selfish asshole, and I really think you should know. Is it possible that you could shut-up, or hey! I have a great idea, you can get off your ass and help me. So choose now: Drop dead or go fuck yourself.
God, I feel better. Censorship Smensorship
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I Am What I Am
I became a Buddhist a long time ago. Or, as I like to endear it to my friends, a Buddheo-Christian. It's easier for them...I get that. For those of you who don't really know me, or for those of you who are rediscovering me from times long past, I am a typical, Southern white girl from Alabama. We are typically Baptists or Methodists, or something in between. Generally speaking, not Buddhists. But I have always been different. Different in how I dress, different in how I speak, and different in my structure of beliefs. And I have always needed this difference. I have always needed to have something that put me outside of the norm. Did I need it to be popular? Well, no. I was never popular. Did I need it to get attention? Again, no. I always got a little freaked out by attention. I know now, that the difference I was creating between myself and my peers was in a desperate attempt to fill a chasm inside of me. If people were always wondering, "what's up with Kate", then I was always relevant. Being relevant is important when you have been marginalized by the very people you were taught to trust. And that is just sad.
So. What has this got to do with being Buddhist? A lot, actually. I found Buddhism because God was lost to me. I found Him once, when I was much younger. I was awake one night, late, as I usually was, because I have always had trouble sleeping. It was always the same fear that kept me awake. I became an insomniac, because the Hell that was being exhausted was much preferable to the Hell that was sleeping...and subsequently, dreaming. So, one night, in my attempt to exhaust myself into a dreamless sleep, I saw some shitty, low-budget movie about teenagers and sex. Not quite what you might be imagining...But potentially interesting for a 15 year old, nonetheless. In this particular flick, the two teenagers in question were very different. The girl was older, less cautious, wanted sex from her much younger, devout boyfriend. After lots of cat & mouse bullshit, the boy took the girl to his church so she could be saved (cause that's what all horny girls want on a second date). She felt the call, but refused to stagger to the pulpit for her salvation. On the way home from the church, the boy and the girl died in a horrible car crash...I think they might have even driven off a cliff...Anyway, after the dramatic death sequence, the boy ascends to the feet of the Father, and the girl...well, she goes straight to Hell. Probably not even in a hand basket. Although the movie and it's message were over dramatic and grandiose, I found myself on the floor of my bedroom praying. I prayed that God would find his way into my heart and that he could help me to please, please forget about the things that kept me awake at night. I cried and cried until I found stillness. In that stillness, I thought I could feel God calming me. I went to church for a while after that, and continued to search for the source of that stillness for quite sometime. Although I did not find what I thought I was looking for, I continued to feel the stillness. I know now that it was God. Telling my mind that being still is okay.
As the years passed, I forgot about God. I never forgot about the movie and I never forgot about the stillness, but the dreams came back and the plague on my brain spread, and my search for the stillness I thought God had given me ceased. But my mind works in overtime. It never stops...It constantly churns out thoughts, both good and bad. I continued the struggle to calm it. One day, I discovered meditation. Through the course of my meditative practice, I rediscovered yoga, and subsequently, Buddhism. Meditation freed my mind. It allowed me to control the thoughts, so that they became little more than errant drops from an ever so slightly leaky faucet. I had learned how to create the stillness in my mind that I had once viewed as nothing more than a reneged promise. And I still cherish the stillness. I need the stillness. The chaos of my mind and all of its dark crevasses and secret places is just too much for me. And so, I chant "Ohm, Mani Padme Hum" every chance that I get, and my mind receives the peace. For I am the Jewel of the Lotus. And should I ever forget that, I risk losing the stillness of mind that I have struggled so long, and so hard, to achieve.
We all have our dark crevasses and secret places within our minds. Sometimes, they are so deeply trenched, we feel like once we have fallen into them, we may never get out. But in my searching for my own peace, I learned something really quite spectacular...You can get out of the trenches. Your mind doesn't control you. It resides within you, and feeds upon you, but like all parasites, needs YOU in order to continue it's function. You, and only you, can silence the loud voices within your mind. And those voices may have horrible, no good, very bad things to say to you...Fuck those voices, and repeat after me..."Ohm, Mani Padme Hum"...For I am the Jewel of the Lotus, and my flower forever blossoms on the surface of this pool of muck, and I can guide you to the stillness...
And for those of you who don't really know me, or for those of you who are rediscovering me from times long past...I did find God again. And he told me that it's okay for me to be broken, and it's okay for me to not be like you. But most of all he told me that it's okay for my mind to be still. In the stillness I can find Him, and for me, that is a turbulent journey indeed. But in spite of all the dips and jumps, I know that it is a journey worth contnuing...For the alternative is to allow the chaos of my mind to overtake me, and I will be lost to everyone...Even to God. And as little as I know about Him, I know I don't want to lose Him. So I continue to chant. I continue to heal. I continue to seek the stillness that will ultimately save me from myself.
So. What has this got to do with being Buddhist? A lot, actually. I found Buddhism because God was lost to me. I found Him once, when I was much younger. I was awake one night, late, as I usually was, because I have always had trouble sleeping. It was always the same fear that kept me awake. I became an insomniac, because the Hell that was being exhausted was much preferable to the Hell that was sleeping...and subsequently, dreaming. So, one night, in my attempt to exhaust myself into a dreamless sleep, I saw some shitty, low-budget movie about teenagers and sex. Not quite what you might be imagining...But potentially interesting for a 15 year old, nonetheless. In this particular flick, the two teenagers in question were very different. The girl was older, less cautious, wanted sex from her much younger, devout boyfriend. After lots of cat & mouse bullshit, the boy took the girl to his church so she could be saved (cause that's what all horny girls want on a second date). She felt the call, but refused to stagger to the pulpit for her salvation. On the way home from the church, the boy and the girl died in a horrible car crash...I think they might have even driven off a cliff...Anyway, after the dramatic death sequence, the boy ascends to the feet of the Father, and the girl...well, she goes straight to Hell. Probably not even in a hand basket. Although the movie and it's message were over dramatic and grandiose, I found myself on the floor of my bedroom praying. I prayed that God would find his way into my heart and that he could help me to please, please forget about the things that kept me awake at night. I cried and cried until I found stillness. In that stillness, I thought I could feel God calming me. I went to church for a while after that, and continued to search for the source of that stillness for quite sometime. Although I did not find what I thought I was looking for, I continued to feel the stillness. I know now that it was God. Telling my mind that being still is okay.
As the years passed, I forgot about God. I never forgot about the movie and I never forgot about the stillness, but the dreams came back and the plague on my brain spread, and my search for the stillness I thought God had given me ceased. But my mind works in overtime. It never stops...It constantly churns out thoughts, both good and bad. I continued the struggle to calm it. One day, I discovered meditation. Through the course of my meditative practice, I rediscovered yoga, and subsequently, Buddhism. Meditation freed my mind. It allowed me to control the thoughts, so that they became little more than errant drops from an ever so slightly leaky faucet. I had learned how to create the stillness in my mind that I had once viewed as nothing more than a reneged promise. And I still cherish the stillness. I need the stillness. The chaos of my mind and all of its dark crevasses and secret places is just too much for me. And so, I chant "Ohm, Mani Padme Hum" every chance that I get, and my mind receives the peace. For I am the Jewel of the Lotus. And should I ever forget that, I risk losing the stillness of mind that I have struggled so long, and so hard, to achieve.
We all have our dark crevasses and secret places within our minds. Sometimes, they are so deeply trenched, we feel like once we have fallen into them, we may never get out. But in my searching for my own peace, I learned something really quite spectacular...You can get out of the trenches. Your mind doesn't control you. It resides within you, and feeds upon you, but like all parasites, needs YOU in order to continue it's function. You, and only you, can silence the loud voices within your mind. And those voices may have horrible, no good, very bad things to say to you...Fuck those voices, and repeat after me..."Ohm, Mani Padme Hum"...For I am the Jewel of the Lotus, and my flower forever blossoms on the surface of this pool of muck, and I can guide you to the stillness...
And for those of you who don't really know me, or for those of you who are rediscovering me from times long past...I did find God again. And he told me that it's okay for me to be broken, and it's okay for me to not be like you. But most of all he told me that it's okay for my mind to be still. In the stillness I can find Him, and for me, that is a turbulent journey indeed. But in spite of all the dips and jumps, I know that it is a journey worth contnuing...For the alternative is to allow the chaos of my mind to overtake me, and I will be lost to everyone...Even to God. And as little as I know about Him, I know I don't want to lose Him. So I continue to chant. I continue to heal. I continue to seek the stillness that will ultimately save me from myself.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Is It Okay if I Quit?
I think that it might be time for me to quit. I can't pick a specific event that has brought me to this conclusion, it's more a culmination of things. But I think that I am here, now...Here in the place where weary people just turn in their notice & quit. I am not being an alarmist, nor am I attempting to frighten anyone. Quitting is not so much literal as it is metaphorical. Metaphorically speaking, I have been working at this job for quite some time, and the position that I have been put in is starting to make me long for some permanent vacation time.
I'm just not that hard of a worker, I never have been and I never will be. It's always easier for me to just quit. I am feeling resolved...Now, where is that resignation form letter I saw once on the Microsoft Word templates...Hmmm....
Jack's Mannequin - The Resolution
Lyrics:
There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
I find my body it's still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need life
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
For the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone
I could hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need life
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
The resolution
The resolution
And you hold me down
Yeah you hold me down
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need life
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I need life
I need life
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
I'm just not that hard of a worker, I never have been and I never will be. It's always easier for me to just quit. I am feeling resolved...Now, where is that resignation form letter I saw once on the Microsoft Word templates...Hmmm....
Jack's Mannequin - The Resolution
Lyrics:
There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
I find my body it's still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need life
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
For the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone
I could hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need life
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
The resolution
The resolution
And you hold me down
Yeah you hold me down
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need life
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I'll be lying in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I need life
I need life
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Learn From My Mistakes? No, I Will Not.
One day, I will get it.
One day, when someone tells me a story about their life, a story from a time they were able to learn some very valuable lesson, I will know full well that they are attempting - however feebly - to impart their wisdom to me, and I will get it. Not only will I get it, I will actually follow their sage advice. Sadly, that day is not here yet. It's not here for me, and it's probably not here for you.
It is ironic, then, that I recently gave advice, advice that wasn't heeded, and I had to witness the fall-out from the plugging of the ears and the chanting of "I can't hear you, I can't hear you", and the advice simply falling away. I don't think that I give poor advice...I actually think that I give pretty decent advice. Were it not for my age and relative inexperience, people might take me more seriously when I dole out such nuggets of wisdom...But I think that most people (who really know me) see me repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again, and simply assume that I have no fucking clue what I am talking about. This time, however, I knew exactly what I was talking about.
It's hard to see people you love struggle. It's infuriating to see people you love struggle with things that could have been easier, or even prevented, if they had just listened to your advice. I may sound an awful lot like my Momma right now, but my Momma is a very, very wise woman and she don't fool around. She tells you just what she thinks you should do. And when you don't heed her advice, (which I almost never do) she will never really say "I told you so", but you can see it in her eyes. It's a little twinkle. So, in an effort to atone for all of the lost opportunities to take her advice, I will follow her lead and NOT say "I told you so." You may see the little twinkle in my eye, but it's not the reflection of my self-satisfaction. Because in this case, there is none. Instead, the twinkle is a direct result of a small shard of glass that was embedded in my eye 20 years ago, and has never made it's way to the surface of my cornea. That's what the optometrist
said, you know...that the shard would just make it's way out of my eye one day. Shouldn't ever cause me any problems or any pain. So I ignore it. I follow the advice of my optometrist, and I just let it be. Some things will not be ignored, however, and you can't just wait for them to find their way out on their own, organically. It just never happens without any problems or any pain. And I am sorry for your problems and for your pain. I am sorry things didn't go "as planned", but they never, ever do...And I promise I won't say "I told you so"...Because in this case, I wish I hadn't been able to tell you so in the first place. I wish I didn't have the horrible experience, that you are now going through, to draw advice from. But I did. Now it's over. And it has become just another story from my life that I can use in a feeble attempt to impart some wisdom on another.
I don't learn from my mistakes...So perhaps it is grossly unfair to think that anyone else could or even should. None of us listen. None of us take the advice that is given. We pooh-pooh it like so much leftover Thanksgiving turkey. That is just the way we are. And that is okay. Because when it (whatever it is for you) happens to you, and it's real and it's difficult and it's not just someone else's vignette...Then you get it. And it sucks. Learn from my mistakes? No, I will not...But maybe you can. Maybe not.
One day, when someone tells me a story about their life, a story from a time they were able to learn some very valuable lesson, I will know full well that they are attempting - however feebly - to impart their wisdom to me, and I will get it. Not only will I get it, I will actually follow their sage advice. Sadly, that day is not here yet. It's not here for me, and it's probably not here for you.
It is ironic, then, that I recently gave advice, advice that wasn't heeded, and I had to witness the fall-out from the plugging of the ears and the chanting of "I can't hear you, I can't hear you", and the advice simply falling away. I don't think that I give poor advice...I actually think that I give pretty decent advice. Were it not for my age and relative inexperience, people might take me more seriously when I dole out such nuggets of wisdom...But I think that most people (who really know me) see me repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again, and simply assume that I have no fucking clue what I am talking about. This time, however, I knew exactly what I was talking about.
It's hard to see people you love struggle. It's infuriating to see people you love struggle with things that could have been easier, or even prevented, if they had just listened to your advice. I may sound an awful lot like my Momma right now, but my Momma is a very, very wise woman and she don't fool around. She tells you just what she thinks you should do. And when you don't heed her advice, (which I almost never do) she will never really say "I told you so", but you can see it in her eyes. It's a little twinkle. So, in an effort to atone for all of the lost opportunities to take her advice, I will follow her lead and NOT say "I told you so." You may see the little twinkle in my eye, but it's not the reflection of my self-satisfaction. Because in this case, there is none. Instead, the twinkle is a direct result of a small shard of glass that was embedded in my eye 20 years ago, and has never made it's way to the surface of my cornea. That's what the optometrist
said, you know...that the shard would just make it's way out of my eye one day. Shouldn't ever cause me any problems or any pain. So I ignore it. I follow the advice of my optometrist, and I just let it be. Some things will not be ignored, however, and you can't just wait for them to find their way out on their own, organically. It just never happens without any problems or any pain. And I am sorry for your problems and for your pain. I am sorry things didn't go "as planned", but they never, ever do...And I promise I won't say "I told you so"...Because in this case, I wish I hadn't been able to tell you so in the first place. I wish I didn't have the horrible experience, that you are now going through, to draw advice from. But I did. Now it's over. And it has become just another story from my life that I can use in a feeble attempt to impart some wisdom on another.
I don't learn from my mistakes...So perhaps it is grossly unfair to think that anyone else could or even should. None of us listen. None of us take the advice that is given. We pooh-pooh it like so much leftover Thanksgiving turkey. That is just the way we are. And that is okay. Because when it (whatever it is for you) happens to you, and it's real and it's difficult and it's not just someone else's vignette...Then you get it. And it sucks. Learn from my mistakes? No, I will not...But maybe you can. Maybe not.
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